Thursday, August 10, 2006

My Own Mother...

...sent me an e-mail with this list on it, entitled, "Raising Boys."

Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 . Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth

Now, most of these do not have any baring on the childhood of my brother and myself. Honest! I've had a fear of superglue since I was little, for one thing. No really, do any of you remember the real, live action commercial this hanging guy comes from? When I was little I thought his hands were glued to the hardhat, which was glued to the girder... *Shudder* How were they going to get him down from there? I'm afraid it scarred my poor little mind. (I still treat superglue with the same respect as, say, fire. Or weapons grade plutonium.) I used to jump off the top of the big roll-top desk that came out of my grandfather's flower mill. And down the stairs. And off the deck. And out of trees... But probably the worst thing I did (or at least the most memorable) was the incident that I blame for my not turning out to be a scientist, like my brother. (Who had a job interview today: I hope it went well, Bro.)

Oh, and by the way. Do not try this at home. Trying this at home can result in broken machinery and being strung up by your toenails. Mom never actually did it, but I think I came close on this one...

One day, while my mother was doing laundry in the basement of the raised ranch I grew up in, I noticed that there are little holes in the back of the dryer. And that got me to thinking. Because I knew that the steam vent on the back of the house (which means upstairs from the dryer, you see, the drier being in the basement) only gives off steam when the dryer is running. So I wondered... maybe... maybe the little holes in the back of the dryer are connected to the vent in the back yard.

But... how to test my hypothesis?

So I took the garden hose, put it in the vent, and turned on the water--just a little!

I got as far as the landing before I heard my mother screaming. All three names, you better believe it. Which was a display of spooky Mom powers if you think about it... after all, I wasn't the only inquisitive child in the house.

"Turn off the water right this instant!"
"Is the water coming out of the little holes in the back of the dr--"
"Yes water is coming out of the little holes in the back of the dryer, turn off the water right now."
"But I want to see the water coming out of the little holes in the back of the dryer."
"You are going to ruin my dryer, now TURN OFF THE WATER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Needless to say... I never did get to see the water come out of the little holes in the back of the dryer. But I was right. The vent and the little holes were connected!

Be good to each other. Especially your mother.
Rev. Josh

1 comment: said...

Cool~ Before you knew it, your boys will be all grown up to promising young men!

I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for sharing :D